i won’t hesitate no more, no more

Do you know what it’s like to be a guy without friends? I do. 

I’m not writing this is hope that someone else will read it. Honestly, I don’t mind if no one does. It’s for me to hopefully look back sometime in the distant future and hopefully things would have changed by then. 

The curious thing is that I know some of my points are agreed with. I shall not mention examples here; there are quite a few. But I know for a fact that sometimes when I say or write something (my opinions that is), there are people who go, “Yes, that’s what I feel too.” Yet, no one will publicly side me. Because let’s be frank here, “Srinath Reddy is being an asshole/very extra/overly critical,” is a position that’s far simpler to manage than, “Hey, I actually think he’s right.” 

I may make it seem like I’ve no qualms over that somewhat unfair way things in my world work. But I do. I get depressed over it, I sulk about it, I cry about it. 

Some would say that public rejection has been an integral part of my life, for better or for worse. I’ll agree. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that this public rejection has shaped who I am as a person. I’ve been told that my frankness arises from the fact that I’ve nothing/no one left to lose. It’s more of the other way around. It’s because of my frankness that I’m now at this state. 

My advice to anyone who reads this is not to forgo frankness in the hope of being more socially acceptable. Your life will still go on regardless of whether you’ve been frank with your opinion. Your frankness may make you an enemy, or two, or maybe eighty. But if that’s the cost of having something heard, then I promise you, at some point in your life, you’ll realize it’s actually worth it. Take it from someone who has almost nothing left to lose.

i knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me

“History rhymes.” What sort of a topic is that? Anyway, I shan’t complain. I’ve wasted many an afternoon in doing all sorts of lame rubbish so today’s afternoon can’t be considered a complete waste of time. 

On a different note, I can’t help but wish people were more involved in debate training (not to be confused with the _________ series of NE “debates”). It’s an activity I have really come to enjoy and one that I hope to attain some fulfillment pursuing. 

I’ve also been reading widely. McCarthyism, Darfur, climate crisis, biofuels, World War 2, Kosovo and so on. Someone asked me why (or rather, “What the fuck are you doing this for?”) and I realized I couldn’t really answer him. But does my desire to stay informed need some sort of justification? Does any desire require justification?

I don’t have much to say because nothing really significant has been going on. School, grades, debate, research, tiredness, a few good men (and women). 

“Dissent is the highest form of patriotism”

Thomas Jefferson

trains move quickly to their journey’s end

I’m pleasantly surprised by the amount of what I’d call “proper blogging” coming out of my NUS High level mates these days. It has been interesting to read reactions, reflections and rebuttals (though it’s more fun to offer opposing viewpoints rather than to read them). 

Anyway, I’ve been told that my blog is resembling a collection of insults thrown at people. In fact, it’s nothing of the sort. If you find something illogical or unjustifiably defamatory or distasteful, then please do inform me. But pointing out other people’s mistakes or correcting misconceptions or broadcasting my point of view does not constitute insult (though it may make me more enemies). 

I’ve only one message for my readers tonight: be frank, and accept frankness.

miniature disasters and minor catastrophoes

This weekend I have an English assignment to do, a hundred pages of materials to read (for research), and a teammate that doesn’t know the difference between adsorption and absorption (fyi, we’re working with the former). You’d probably can imagine a frustrated and gloomy me.

But I’m neither frustrated nor gloomy. As low as life has been in some ways, I’ve also had lots of positive things in my life. Debate, good teachers (generally), gooddecent grades, and other positive things in my life have been encouraging. The good things and bad things in a life arise from differences, differences between the current state of things and what they used to be. And right now, I’m learning to treasure those differences. 

It’s a tough life, a fast life and still, it’s a good life.

Addressed to Yunhui: Whatever I wrote here, I didn’t write because I had no courage (which you accused me of lacking) to say it to your face. In fact, it takes far more courage to put it up here where one actually has to be accountable and responsible for what he writes. Anyway, I’ve already come up to you and told you what I have to, so that’s that.

let the rain fall, i don’t care

Today we had Ms. Chen talking about “community engagement”.

Which was to be frank, just a reiteration of things most of us have known for quite a long time already. To me, (it’s just my opinion) that presentation was an exercise in redundancy, and while many of us year fives accept the needs of the society around us, often we are simply too busy (with things like studies, research, and co-curricular activities) to bother with programs such as community engagement. I must say I did disagree with her impression that those of us who live sheltered lives do not know about the sad realities of some of the groups in Singapore. 

That having been said, I’d like to say something publicly to Yun Hui, no matter how unpopular or whatever it might make me (way I see it, I’ve almost nothing to lose). I know how you’ve been the voice of our level on many occasions and so on, but I have to openly tell you that what you said today was utterly rude, inconsiderate and distasteful.

Sure, you’re only stating facts, that we’re going on seventeen instead of eighteen and that some of us woke at five thirty. But so what? So bloody what? Does that give people an excuse, a right not to pay attention to a speaker who has obviously been working rather hard to make that presentation? I’m not denying the fact that people will sleep. In fact, I’ve slept in such talks before. But that doesn’t mean I claim that it’s my right or that my actions are justified. (For your kind information, my alarm is set every day at 5.45 AM, even on weekends)

Furthermore by telling her that we’re going on seventeen instead of eighteen, are you trying to create some big maturity gap between seventeen year olds and eighteen year olds? Are you saying that just because your cohort mates are seventeen, they are simply not mature enough to comprehend issues like eighteen year olds? Because her argument was about the maturity of an eighteen year old. I know it might be a small comment but by making it, you might have ruined another person’s day. I’m not telling you I’m perfect here. In fact, I’m not and I myself have ruined lots of people’s days in the past. However, if you are going to be a representative voice of our level, then make it a voice that people will agree with, and more importantly, one that isn’t rude towards your speaker. 

Today, we also had a talk on optimism. 

And honestly, it says a lot when the school arranges a talk on optimism for us. Sure we are vocal about our frustrations and we do complain about stress, fatigue, and pressure. But for some reason, the ACE coordinators seem to have the belief that we are pessimistic to the extent that we actually have to sit through a talk on optimism. 

Even the most optimistic person in that room must have had been wondering why in the world we were in that room learning about something that can’t be learnt off a set of Powerpoint slides – optimism. What kind of impression does that send to the person who already possesses a positive mindset, the person who is content with his life?

Following her presentation, we were given a talking to by Mr. Toh, our level rep. I’m no stranger to such talks. In Victoria, we had them and to tell you the truth, I enjoyed it every time Maran gave his, “This is Victoria School….” speech. However, Mr. Toh was rather open with his criticism today and as usual, I regard it as my duty to rebut where I can. If you weren’t there in that room, you probably can’t follow several bits. Bear with me. 

The first and pretty much central point Mr. Toh made had to do with his disapproval of the way tons of year fives chanted “JUMP” during the the mock suicide scenario. He claims that it only shows our pessimism as a level. The moment I heard that I begged to differ. For some reason, Mr. Toh failed to see how the “JUMP” thing worked as a joke more than anything else. Sure he could have criticised us on the inability of the year fives to exercise restraint and situational awareness in front of the speaker, by making inappropriate jokes. Yet, he chose to make the argument about our pessimism. 

That we are a pessimistic level, might be a plausible theory; in fact, in my opinion, it is a probable one. Speaking to classmates and levelmates, I do notice at times a sense of apprehension and fear, especially when grades, colleges and all things academic are concerned. Sure, we may be an pessimistic bunch in that sense (even that is an overgeneralization). However, to claim that what happened today was an example of our pessimism and cynicism was not only inappropriate (and ignorant of the fact that it was a joke), it was also rather hurtful in a way.

Now, I just read Mr Toh’s email and I’m glad to see him explain himself in a far more understandable manner. One thing he does identify correctly is that though it was done in humor, the year fives’ behavior was inappropriate for the issue of suicide. I’m happy to see the focus shift from our “pessimism” to the lack of situational awareness and seriousness exhibited by those who chose to chant “JUMP”. 

The next concern I have is with the way Mr.Toh interpreted someone’s comment about Cedric “being a bitch”. I believe that person was talking about Cedric’s character acting in a way that makes the character a bitch. I don’t see how that could have been interpreted as a personal attack against Cedric. Furthermore, extending the argument to claim that our attitudes have degraded is a pretty bad way of following up a talk on optimism, don’t you think?

Anyway, I shall not drone on and on about Mr. Toh’s way of letting us know his concerns. Vanessa wrote quite a good post about it on her blog, read it if you want. One point she made was rather good. Given a real scenario, we’d never tell any suicidal idiot (in my opinion, suicidal people are normally idiots) to go ahead with it. (I’m rather busy with research tonight to offer a lengthy discourse, sorry.)

In an unrelated issue….

I find the way people act over certain things rather stupid. Like the whole mess that currently exists with regards to some Japanese conference for students doing projects in Physics and Engineering. I wouldn’t be talking about this if it didn’t indirectly concern me (it doesn’t directly concern me since I’m not applying). The politics surrounding the way opportunities are given out in this school is sickening. Granted, everyone wants the best for themselves and their futures but being excessively selfish, taunting each other and desecrating others in public is not the way to do it. Because seriously speaking, what you achieve speaks less about who you are than how you go about achieving it. 

In other news…

I went to IHPC today for the second and the last time. They’re shifting to Fusionopolis, which is a good thing because fancy new buildings never fail to please me. Turns out, we’ve a lot of reading to do before we can get deep into the heart of what our project is all about, so I’ll start reading up sometime soon.

all the damage you do, is so honest and true

Reading a classmate’s take on elitism on her blog, I’ve decided to try and share my own response to her discussion on elitism simply because it’s an issue I don’t mind discussing and one that I find pertinent to some of our lives. 

Now, elitism is one of those topics that gets tricky round the definitions. What is it to be elitist? A member of the so-called “elite class” or to believe that being of that class entitles you to some sort of moral supremacy? When viewed in a superficial manner, being elitist could simply mean being a member of that particular “elite class”, regardless of whether the way you think or behave is affected by membership into the group of people. Personally, I subscribe to the latter definition of elitism. To me, being elitist is to subscribe to the ideology that the choices or decisions of the elites are superior. 

It is the fallacious opinion of some that “elites” are lacking in areas other than the ones they’re specialized in. This notion rests on the assumption that all elites are overachievers in terms of their academics with no sort of appreciation of the other aspects of life. Separating specialization and all-roundedness, and painting them to be polar opposites is an inaccurate representation of the many members of “elite” society who are able to be proficient both in various aspects of their lives. 

It is hardly true that elite students do not receive any sort of life experience, or hands on training in the process of achieving excellence in their respective fields. While this may be true of a marginal number of elites, the notion is hardly representative of the numerous other elites who spend time honing skills such as interpersonal skills and practical skills. 

We also see the assumption that “not so elite students” are not as caught up with worries such as class ranking and so on. Once again, this is a sweeping generalization for it is the desire of a large number of students, elite or not to be the best that they can be in their studies. However, the restricting factor in the journey towards that excellence is ability. 

Elites are sometimes mistakenly understood as people with ability and stereotyped as individuals without drive. Granted, the mindset that “elite” students here in Singapore bring to the table is rather odd, mark-centric and sometimes materialistic in nature, one has to realize that these individuals possess incredible drive, saving no expense or effort in the journey to the top. 

In that process, it may be true that several “elites” sacrifice their personal enjoyment and may lack satisfaction with what they’re doing but the result of their determination and persistence is often positive in nature. 

In the post I’m addressing we see the author clearly identifying elites as individuals without purpose, and who are not concerned about the well being of society, placing themselves above all others. It also ends with a line clearly identifying elites as lacking of dreams, creativity, and determination. However, it is pertinent for us to note than in the process of attaining the goals that elites set for themselves, often each one of these three components is required in order to attain the perfection that elites seek. 

For a lack of time, I can’t afford to introduce more clarity or dimension into my arguments. However, I’ll end by encouraging my readers to reconsider any possible myopic viewpoints they may have with regards to issues of elites or elitism, so that ongoing discrimination against these members of our society can cease once and for all.

chemistry, energy, synchronicity

This semester’s version of the “work pile”, characteristic of mid-semester NUS High School life, has already begun materializing on my desk. I’ve been doing the design and layout for Epitome. Most people don’t know what that is, which is hardly surprising considering how inactive the school newsletter has been. It’s been a lot of work on Epitome, which is really sad considering how tight my timetable is. 

I’m also now a member of the Debate team. Our first session was yesterday, and I’ve managed to realize just how much my debating has deteriorated over the past few years. It was also my first time as a third speaker and I must say it really was a scary position for me, being the third speaker. But yes, I did learn quite a bit, and hopefully, as time goes by, I’ll improve so that I don’t make a fool out of myself competitively next year. 

I’d like to end by slipping in a quick thank you to Aaron for his comments about my writing yesterday. Being frank, and talking not only about the strengths but also the shortcomings about another person’s work is much harder than it may seem, especially if you’re saying it to the person’s face.

the calm before a storm

It is a dream, in which only good things can and do happen. But is that what we’re living for – for a string of positive experiences? Do the pleasures in life come from good things alone or from their juxtaposition with bad things. For if one experiences nothing but good things from the time he is born till the time he dies, then is a good thing to him, what it is to us? Am I wrong in saying that good things are good only because bad things come before them?

lofty glances from lofty people

Kevin Chong and I are starting a new club/society/whatever. I can’t really tell you what it’s going to be called because that’s going to depend on what it’s members want it to be called but for now, we’re working with the title Literary & Philosophical Society, which should be pretty self-explanatory. That having been said, these days its hard to assume that anything is self-explanatory, so if you need more information, be sure to contact me at srrinath@gmail.com. It’s the same address if you’re interested in sitting in and checking the club out or if you’re already interested to join as a full member.

On a more personal note, bringing up something from the past always comes with accompanying feelings of nostalgia, regret, pride, happiness or sadness, love or hatred. This week for me has been about the past. Getting in touch with people from the past, confessing things about my own past, and attempting to rectify problems caused by my shortcomings in the past.

But there’s one thing that people can hardly seem to remember;I’m sixteen and I’m still trying to find my place in this big, crazy world.